I know I haven't written on here for far too long...nearly a year. This post is partially about that. And it's partially a vent. But mostly it's therapy.
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I don't constantly sanitize my hands, surfaces, or have to flick lights on and off a certain number of times.
OCD is described as:
"Obsessive-compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).
Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety."
OCD is different for everyone. For me, it results in constantly digging at my skin, grinding my teeth, counting my steps, "tracing" words in the air or on a flat surface repeatedly, and, most debilitating, completely shutting down when my house is a mess.
Of course, I don't just have OCD. I also have Generalized Anxiety and Social/Performance Anxiety, the latter of which causes me to completely shut down when I feel I'm not living up to the expectations of others. This is pretty much a daily occurrence.
I'm in counseling. I'm on medication. And I'm exhausted.
I've been pushing against myself every day for 15 years to try and change my behavior. For the past 10 years I've also been trying to secure a future for myself and my family. What have I gotten in return? Close to $75K worth of student loan debt and panic attacks I can't control.
The slightest comment, constructive criticism, or look from anyone I come in contact with can make me shut down. I start having destructive thoughts, thinking I'm messing things up again, and worrying about ruining my family's future. Then my breathing starts to spike, my heart races, I feel what I can only describe as giant surges of energy rake through my spine, and my hands and feet constantly tap and shake, trying to release the energy. I can't focus. I can't perform simple tasks that used to be easy, like reading a note on a staff and knowing what to play on the keyboard. My ability to talk myself down, or even form a coherent thought that is not expressly negative, gets thrown out the window. My throat gets tight, my eyes start to well with tears, and the only thought I have is "Try breathing slower so you can just get through this without crying and can get yourself home."
This has been my semester. Several times a week I've been having panic attacks. I'm on high doses of medication, but it seems to be doing little good. Tomorrow I make an appointment to speak with my doctor again about possibly trying more meds, though I've tried three different kinds with this result.
I've barely been going to class this semester, and I loath that part of me. But I'm overwhelmed, and when I get overwhelmed I shut down. Part of the OCD and the Performance Anxiety, or so I'm told. But what does that say to professors or peers? Everything I'm doing in my degree is based on performance. I can teach really well, that I know without a doubt. I have a hard time going to class, knowing I've been performing so poorly and unprofessionally, and feeling judged by everyone in the room.
My professors have been great so far. They've been as accommodating as they can be, and I can't ask for more. And yet it's not enough. I want to do the work, I just want to do it at home. I can't. I know this. But I know I could succeed if I were to have a schedule like this. I'd function better. But it's not an option.
I don't really have a point to this post. I just needed to get this out to the wordless void.
I'm tired.
I've been in school for a decade using only intrinsic motivation to carry me through, and seeing nothing but debt and a messy, too small house, and breaking down cars as my reward. A whole lot of effort for so little to show.
I've been trying to change everything about me...my behaviors, my thoughts, my gut reactions and motivations...since I was 14. I will soon be 28. Nearly 15 years of pushing against every part of you is exhausting. I've made progress, thanks mostly to my amazing husband who has made it his mission to boost my self-esteem. But when you feel like you can't control your own thoughts, behaviors, and reactions, it's kind of hard to like yourself for who you are.
My dream? To one day feel normal. I just want to be normal. I understand that not everyone is normal, but to me they are. Most people can look at a stressful situation and figure out ways to adjust and cope. I used to be able to do that, to a certain extent, but my coping mechanisms are all off. I don't function normally, and I hate it. I hate everything I do.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and feel like I can function. It's hard to describe how debilitating these conditions are. They may not seem like much, but it's exhausting just making it through the day.
I can teach really well. I have no doubts about my ability to perform as a teacher. Neither does my advisor. The only issue is my ability to handle life. I can't guarantee that, but I can say one thing:
When I will be doing something I love (teaching), providing for my family (having a teaching job), and having a stable schedule, I think I'll function better.
For now, I have to keep pushing. I'm so tired of pushing. I just wish my professors could see that.
Winning Wednesday – March 7, 2012
5 hours ago